The Enemy of Motivation - How to Transition from Self-Criticism to Self-Compassion (Copy)
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Most international students are high achievers. They’re intelligent and willing to go the extra mile to reach their goals. However, on their way to success, some students can get very down and start criticizing themselves when they hit roadblocks.
Self-criticism of itself isn’t necessary a bad thing.
When done in moderation, self-criticism can provide insight into things we need to work on. It can help us achieve greater results.
But, when taken to the extreme, it can be harmful and stop us from making progress.
So how do you know when your self-criticism has become a problem?
Signs that Your Self-Criticism is an Issue
Wondering if you’re too self-critical? You could be if you have any of these signs:
You blame yourself for every negative situation
You’re down on yourself as a whole person, as opposed to specific mistakes you’ve made
You often avoid taking risks
You tend to avoid expressing your own opinion
You don’t assert your needs or desires
You don’t ask for help
You often compare yourself to others
You’re never satisfied with your achievements
Your standards are impossibly high
You think about many ‘what-if’ scenarios of personal failure and humiliation
You have body image issues
You have thoughts of self-harm
You had chronically critical parents or caregivers
You ruminate about the mistakes you’ve made
You don’t easily forgive
You don’t compliment yourself
You tend to reject compliments
Feedback makes you uncomfortable
You see things in a very black and white way
Why should it matter to you if you’re too self-critical? It should matter plenty! Read on to find out the risks.
The Dangers of Extreme Self-Criticism
When self-criticism is allowed to run uncontrolled, without any boundaries, it can do all sorts of damage to your mental, emotional and physical health:
Robs you of mental strength. You feel mentally checked out. When you’re feeling this way, you’re more inclined to make poor choices—and make things you’re afraid of more likely to happen.
Becomes self-deprecating. You question your abilities and erode your self-confidence, which makes it difficult to try new things.
Negative distortions of yourself. You’ll see yourself in a more negative light and exaggerate everything you dislike about yourself, which only leads you to feel bad about yourself.
Frequently compare yourself to others. When you do this, you’ll often find yourself lacking in certain skills, talents or success compared to someone else. You keep yourself stuck in the “I’m never enough” cycle of thinking.
Demotivate you. It can make you feel paralyzed and rob you of energy to make more effort.
When you’re experiencing any of the above, it influences the decisions you make and how you handle stressors that surely will come up as you seek to advance yourself.
Let’s take job-searching as an example.
You’ve put together, what you think is, a killer resume. And you’ve sent your resume out to several companies you would like to work for.
But you hear nothing back. Crickets.
Your self-criticism goes into overdrive and you start thinking,
What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I get a job?
Doesn’t anyone like me?
How come Ang got a job offer so quickly and I haven’t even gotten an interview?
I’m such a loser. No one will want to hire me.
I should have taken my friend’s advice. I’m so stupid! Will I ever learn?
If I was like Aki, I would have had at least four job offers by now!
Can you hear and feel that those thoughts are waaaay too self-critical?
Now pay attention: Those thoughts will influence what you do next.
You don’t try to discover why you didn’t hear back. For all you know, there could be incorrect information on your resume, but you’ll never know!
You keep doing what you’ve already done, hoping for different results, but expecting to be disappointed–again.
You settle for any odd job. And hate it.
Or worse, you give up looking for a job because you think you’re just not good enough by default!
There are things you can do to rein in extreme self-criticism. Read on!
The Antidote to Excessive Self-Criticism: Self-Compassion
What is self-compassion?
It’s the practice of being kind and understanding to ourselves when we’re aware of a personal flaw or failure.
So when, for example, you don’t get any bites from sending out your resume, you change your thoughts to, “Well, that’s weird! I’m going to take another look at my resume, make sure there aren’t any errors, see what I can do to improve it and try again. Maybe there’s something I don’t know about when it comes to applying for jobs in the U.S. I’ll figure this out!”
Worried that self-compassion will make you weak? It’s not true. Research shows that self-compassion can lead to greater achievement than self-criticism. In fact, self-compassion is essential to motivation and positive change.
At its core, it means to avoid ruminating on mistakes, obsessing about them, and then degrading yourself. It means letting go of them and taking productive action.
If self-compassion doesn’t come naturally to you, how do you develop it?
Keys to Developing Self-Compassion
Let’s break down developing self-compassion into actionable steps:
Decide: Make a drastic mental shift and firmly decide that you’ll at least try to think positively about yourself—being kinder and more forgiving. Learn to be more aware of your thoughts through meditation or mindfulness exercises. Disrupt the negative self-talk by focusing your energy on something outside yourself that you care about, like volunteering or doing something unexpectedly nice for a friend. Then give yourself a pat on the back when you do!
Kind thoughts: Respond to your negative self-talk with a kind thought. Using the job example, when you think, “I’m such a loser. No one wants to hire me,” you can counteract that thought with, “I’ll get a job because I’m doing my best and it will happen!”
Remove power: When you recognize your inner critic creeping in, change its voice to a silly cartoon character, and it might make it difficult to take it seriously!
Challenge the thought: Self-critical thoughts are rarely true, and often too harsh. When you hear these thoughts, pause, and calmly ask for evidence. For example, you’re not getting the job response you hoped for and think, “I’m so stupid! Will I ever learn?” respond with, “Let’s look at the evidence.” Write down all the proof you have that points to that negative thought. Then list all the evidence against it, like all of the things you have learned. Then look at the evidence on both sides. That should give you a more rational and balanced view.
Let go of perfectionism: If you rarely meet your goals and are often unhappy with what you’ve achieved, the standards you set for yourself may be unreasonable. This is called perfectionism. It can make you become extremely unhappy in the long run and will only lead to more self-destructive thoughts. For example, instead of thinking you’re not good enough that’s why you didn’t hear back from anyone, did you realize you applied to jobs that were requesting skills and experience that you didn’t have?
Purposely notice the difference: If you want to make the shift sustainable, make a deliberate, conscious effort to recognize the difference between how you feel when you’re habitually self-criticizing, and how you feel when you let it go. Regularly practice what it feels like to treat yourself as you would treat a dear friend.
Remember! Whether you’re looking for a job, or doing anything else that’s new to you, give yourself a break! Use it as a valuable learning experience and be kind to yourself.
Know When to Seek Professional Support
If you are looking for help getting your dream job, check out Coach Kwan. She has a good track record of helping international students successfully navigate the job search process. Guidance from professionals like Coach Kwan can be very crucial especially when you’re not familiar with the U.S. job market and/or are just in the process of building your network in this country.
And if you find yourself feeling very paralyzed and not having energy to even try out tips in this article, it can be a sign that you may need to work with a mental health professional to address the underlying factors that are bogging you down. Based on my experience, students who are overly critical of themselves usually had a difficult upbringing and have had a very demanding parent growing up.
Schedule a Free Call with Me!
If you’re an international student wanting to learn how to move from excessive self-criticism to self-compassion with significantly greater ease, schedule a free 30-minute call with me!
About The Author
Many years ago I came to the U.S. from Taiwan and studied in a field that rarely accepted “fresh off the boat” international students from non-English speaking countries. I’m Dr. Vivi Hua, Psy.D. and I help international students navigate the cross-cultural aspects of their experience in the U.S., so they can succeed academically and socially and build a life and career that they desire!