All About Dating for Asian International Students
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
Dating is so hard!
But, no joke, Asian dating is probably harder!
It all has to do with how we were brought up…
A Common Pattern In Asian Upbringing
Many Asian students are brought up with the notion that they should solely focus on school and studies—until they complete their education.
If you are planning to pursue a master’s degree or a doctorate, this could take a long time!
Do you really want to wait this long before you can start dating?!
The Problem With Waiting Too Long
For those of us who choose to wait until we finish our education before dating, we miss opportunities to sincerely understand the kind of people that would be a good fit for us as a romantic partner.
In other words, even finding the right person for a romantic relationship or partnership requires "practice."
Yes! You must date to get good at dating and understanding relationships and yourself!
Through dating, you can find out the kind of person you’re looking for and the different kinds of people that you enjoy being with in a relationship.
So, how do you reconcile your upbringing with not waiting too long to date?
Date When You’re Ready
Explore dating when you feel ready.
How do you know you’re ready to start dating?
#1 You’re not looking for someone to complete you. You know how to enjoy your own life or make yourself happy without feeling that you “need“ to find someone to make yourself whole.
#2 You’re not held hostage by a checklist. You know the kind of qualities you’re interested in a dating partner, but you’re also open to other possibilities.
#3 You’re comfortable with your own company. You feel fulfilled whether you’re in the presence of others or all by yourself. You’re alone, but not lonely.
#4 You understand the importance of communication. You can express how you feel and your opinions well, but you also listen just as well to the other person’s point of view.
#5 You want to date. You’re dating because you’re truly interested in being in a relationship and wanting to share joys of life with a romantic partner - not because everyone is doing so or you feel you should be.
#6 You know how to balance different areas of your life. In other words, you don’t get knocked off balance when you become emotionally involved with someone. You have your priorities straight and are able to fulfill your responsibilities with school, work, etc.
External Criteria Isn’t Necessarily The Best Criteria
I’ve often seen young people's dating experience look something like this:
Most don’t really know what they are looking for. If they think they know, it’s likely based on what they’ve been told by their parents, family, friends, or the society they are part of.
Background doesn’t matter as much as you think it does. It's common for others to convey the message that they need to find someone with a certain education level, certain kind of profession (doctors, attorneys, etc.), certain level of income, and a "good" family background (i.e., accomplished parents). All of these are usually focused on the "external" criteria of a person, not necessarily essential qualities that would make someone a good partner.
It’s important for young people to identify someone who would be a good fit through their dating experience. How do you want to feel when you’re around this person—relaxed? Comfortable? Confident? Easygoing?
And you can only figure this out through the actual experience of dating!
Words Of Caution About Dating Apps
Young people often use dating apps as a way of meeting people. It's a modern way of dating.
Like with any social channel, you should always exercise caution when meeting someone you don’t know for the first time—and until you get to know them well.
#1 Meet them in public, busy places. It’s less likely that any harm will come to you when you’re in a public venue compared to being alone with them in a private setting.
#2 Let your friends know about your dates. Tell them who you’ll be with, where you’re going, and when you’ll be back. You might even want to send them a photo of the person!
#3 Stay in touch with friends on your date. Weird idea? Better safe than sorry! You can just send them a quick text like, “Just checking in to let you know I’m good.”
It takes time to know you can trust someone. Don’t hurry the process or get yourself in a situation that you could come to regret.
Wondering If You’re In A Healthy Relationship?
Once you’re in a relationship, you’ll know it’s healthy if it looks like this:
#1 You and your partner both feel respected, heard, and supported. You each have space for your individual self and things you want to pursue—individually. You honor each other as individuals—values, wishes, and interests.
#2 Your communication style is open and respectful. Both parties can openly discuss issues or differences and work them out constructively.
#3 You trust each other. That means you’re not scrolling through your partner’s phone or browsing history.
#4 You encourage each other to pursue goals. Your dreams might not be exactly the same, but you still support each other’s goals.
#5 You have fun together. It doesn’t mean life is always wonderful. But when you’re together, it’s easy to feel happy and laugh.
Do You Need Help With Your Dating Woes?
I can help you approach dating through “looking within,” so that you exercise self-understanding to confidently navigate the dating process. Schedule a call with me to see how I can help you navigate the uncertainty around dating as an international student.
About The Author
Many years ago I came to the U.S. from Taiwan and studied in a field that rarely accepted “fresh off the boat” international students from non-English speaking countries. I’m Dr. Vivi Hua, Psy.D. and I help international students navigate the cross-cultural aspects of their experience in the U.S., so they can succeed academically and socially and build a life and career that they desire!